Do Therapists Have Favourite Clients? (Relational Patterns in Psychotherapy)

The Real Question

Attachment research demonstrates that adults carry expectations about worth, trust, and closeness shaped by early relationships (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). When clients ask if I have favourites, I often hear a deeper, unspoken question: What happens if/when I am not the favourite? I find myself thinking about how much this reflects a need to feel safe, seen, and valued. That question gives me a window into their attachment patterns and what trust and safety mean for them in the therapy relationship.

Old Roles, New Patterns

Relational Patterns

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!! But when clients ask if they’re a “favourite,” I usually start thinking about the patterns they bring in. Maybe they’re anxious about how they’re seen, or quietly wondering if they’re being “picked” over someone else. It makes me curious about their early experiences. Did they only feel seen or valued as the golden child, the overachiever, or the peacemaker?

Transference & Countertransference

(Past patterns meet therapist’s response)

For a lot of people, being a favourite has meant safety, belonging, or being “enough.” So when that feeling isn’t there, old fears can pop up. These patterns often come from family or social roles where acceptance felt conditional. In therapy, I notice these dynamics as transference, when the client brings old patterns into the room, and countertransference, my own responses to what is showing up.

Paying attention to both helps me stay present and curious. It also creates a space where clients can explore, make sense of, and work with their experiences (Gelso & Hayes, 2019).

What Happens Between Us

Imagine a client jokingly criticizes me or expresses frustration in a session. The client might feel anxious, self-conscious, or worried about how they are being perceived. Sometimes these reactions can be influenced by earlier experiences, perhaps they were only valued in certain roles, or their needs were overlooked, or they learned to adapt to how others spoke to them. At the same time, I notice my own reactions: shame, incompetence, irritation, defensiveness, or surprise.

These reactions do not mean the client is “difficult” or any less valued.

Often, they highlight patterns of vulnerability, self-protection, or relational dynamics that are showing up in real time. By noticing both the client’s and my own responses, I can stay curious about what is happening between us.

In session, we explore these moments together. I hold a calm, attuned presence while reflecting on the patterns that appear. This creates a safe space for the client to experience, name, and understand their feelings, and to explore old relational patterns in a new, corrective way.

How This Relates to The Work at Within (Accord Within Psychotherapy)

These moments are opportunities to:

• Bring unconscious relational patterns into awareness

• Help clients notice their own triggers and ways of relating

• Support corrective emotional experiences, where old relational wounds can be addressed safely

• Build trust and safety even when difficult emotions appear

• Encourage lasting change through honest, attuned connection

Clients do not need to be a “favourite” to feel safe in therapy. What matters is that reactions from both the client and the therapist are noticed, reflected on,

and explored together. That is where the real work begins.

References

Garske, J. P., & Gelso, C. J. (2019). Countertransference and therapy outcomes. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 29(3), 223–234.

Gelso, C. J., & Hayes, J. A. (2019). Countertransference and the therapist’s inner

experience: Perils and possibilities. Routledge.

Kivlighan, D. M., Gelso, C. J., Goldberg, S., & Hayes, J. A. (2022).

Countertransference awareness and treatment outcome. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 69(1), 1–15.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure,

dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (2019). Psychotherapy relationships that work: Evidence-based responsiveness (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.